I received a call yesterday from a client of mine asking for a pep talk around what they deemed a disappointing moment in their career. After letting them talk for a minute or two, I stepped in.
“Let’s fast forward twenty-five years; what would you tell your son?”
He paused for a minute, and then gave me the exact answer I would have given him.
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That slight re-framing of putting himself in a different pair of shoes for a minute changed the narrative completely, and it neutralized the conversation.
During my recent job search, I’ve stopped myself several times and paused to notice the difference between the conversation I was having with myself and the advice I would give to someone in their search. I have found myself incredibly harsh with myself, but if I were talking to myself, I would give completely different advice that would be so much calmer, more big-picture focused, and taking into account the positives. Whereas with myself, I go right to the negatives and the things that won’t work or aren’t working.
Sometimes that little reframing makes such an impact, and it’s such a simple little trick we can all use to pause the next time we’re caught up in our heads in a challenging moment and needing better advice than the voice inside ourselves is giving us.
The voice inside our head knows exactly where to hurt us. It takes one disappointing moment and turns it into evidence that our entire career is falling apart.
The problem is that the voice inside our head knows exactly where to hurt us. It knows every insecurity, every mistake, and every fear we have carried around for years. That voice rarely gives us the full picture. It takes one disappointing moment and turns it into evidence that our entire career is falling apart.
Meanwhile, if a friend or family member came to us with the exact same problem, we would probably tell them to slow down. We would remind them of everything they have accomplished, explain that one setback does not define them, and encourage them to keep moving. We would give them perspective instead of panic.
Try putting someone else in the story the next time you feel yourself spiraling. Ask what you would tell your son, your daughter, your best friend, or someone you care deeply about. Chances are, the advice becomes clearer the moment you remove yourself from the center of the problem.
This does not mean lying to yourself or pretending everything is fine. Sometimes you made a mistake. Sometimes the opportunity really is gone. You can be honest about what happened without turning the moment into a full-scale attack on who you are and what you are capable of doing next.
You already know how to give great advice. You have probably given it to dozens of people over the years without realizing how valuable it was. The next time you need a pep talk, stop listening to the loudest voice in your head and ask what you would say to someone you love. Then give yourself the same patience, perspective, and grace.