When you get promoted to a manager, there is something they fail to tell you to prepare you for the road ahead. Well, actually, there is a ton of stuff they forget to prep you for, but there is one major thing that you have to learn on your own, and it’s the ability to develop and have incredibly thick skin.
Thick skin in your career is defined as being able to let things sort of roll off your back and not bother you. The reason is simple. You’re going to have people say things, tear you apart in back rooms, say things to your face, tell a lie or two about you, and even spread some fake news.
And frankly, whether you are a people leader or not, you’re going to need thick skin to navigate your career. You’re going to get feedback that you won’t like, you’re going to be told stuff that is going to feel like an attack on your character at first, and you’re going to hear that someone said something about you while out to lunch with others that just rubbed you the wrong way or was a flat-out lie.
It’s going to happen, and you can’t control it, and if you try to control it, you’ll go nuts.
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There are multiple reasons why this happens. First, not everyone has the best intentions. They just don’t. People are jealous, people get frustrated by others’ success, and people don’t want to see everyone thrive and shine; as a result, they will say things to break down others. It makes them feel better to say that you only got promoted because you’re a kiss ass, rather than accepting that they had the same opportunity to get promoted and failed to work towards it.
The insecurities that people carry will cause them to say things out of turn, and oftentimes, not even things they really truly mean, but it causes them to lash out in ways that will break you down. You will get the brunt of someone’s own issues with themselves and with the systems around them.
There is no manager training or career training to navigate this.
Second, people will interpret scenarios and circumstances based on their own points of view. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve rolled out new compensation plans or introduced programs genuinely built with the employee in mind, only to find out later that I was somehow trying to screw people over. Each time I’ve promoted Person A, Person B and C have been out to get me. I’ve resigned from roles and changed jobs, and it was later said I was “run out of or fired.” I have one particular individual whom I worked so hard to support in their career, and later it came back to me that I didn’t do enough in their eyes to get them promoted.
The list goes on. The individual’s point of view will shape their opinions, comments, and thoughts, which in turn influence how they engage, interact, and communicate about you.
“Thick skin is not about becoming cold. It is about staying rooted in who you are while the noise around you keeps moving.”
You simply can’t control how people think or feel, or what they do, but you can control how you absorb or allow comments to roll off your skin.
Developing thick skin is tough, and it doesn’t happen overnight. This is one of those things that you just sort of have to learn and build as a muscle over time. It’s just not something you can pretend to be ok with when these things happen, unless you genuinely don’t care about people, which usually isn’t true. We always care about people to some extent, depending on the person, and we always want to keep the brand on the right track, which means we don’t want to find out that others are misinterpreting our intentions or efforts.
When I first started writing, I really took offense when someone canceled or unsubscribed. I remember being heartbroken when I would get an unsubscribe notification. It felt like an attack on me, on my writing, on my efforts, everything. If someone doesn’t want to read my daily articles, do they not like me? If someone doesn’t want to receive my email every day, have I somehow offended them with a previous piece of content? It was tough at first for me to navigate, but over time, and after three years, I just laugh now when I get an unsubscribe notification. Well, that’s not completely true; my first response is “Hey fuck you,” and then my second response is to laugh. Turns out, I’m still working on building my thick skin.
These comments, nods, or moments that make us feel attacked are also signals. When someone unsubscribes today, I treat it like an opportunity to write better or produce better content. It teaches me that maybe if someone doesn’t want to read my content, perhaps I am not putting out good enough information. These signals help us to improve each and every time. But still, if you unsubscribe, I will say, “get the fuck out of here,” first. (Kidding, am I really though?)
As a leader, I finally learned how to laugh through moments that required me to keep my skin thick. I learned I can’t control the comments, thoughts, and perspectives of others, but I can control how I show up, the effort I put into the people that truly matter, and not to be offended by other people’s insecurities and my own defined shortcomings.
Thick skin is not about becoming cold. It is not about pretending you are above feedback, above criticism, or above the opinions of others. Thick skin is about learning how to stay rooted in who you are while the noise around you keeps moving. It is the ability to hear the comment, feel the sting, process the signal, and then decide what deserves your attention and what deserves to be left behind.
Some feedback should change you. Some criticism should sharpen you. Some comments should be ignored entirely.
The longer you work, lead, create, and put yourself out there, the more you realize that people are always going to have something to say. Let them. Your job is not to win every interpretation of your character. Your job is to keep showing up with integrity, keep doing the work, keep improving where you need to improve, and keep moving forward without letting every opinion become a wound.
Thick skin is not something you are born with. It is something your career slowly teaches you, one uncomfortable moment at a time.